In Pursuit

We have been in our house for almost 8 months. Last year this time (spring) this house was just a frame – we would walk this house and pray in almost every space. We had our family come in and pray in the areas where we planned to have future guests. We had friends pray in several rooms. Most importantly, we prayed and dedicated these spaces to The Lord. We wanted to have a home that we could share. A home that would be a place for others to come and feel comfort. – This porch has already had so many good conversations – so much laughter, a few tears, and a lot of love poured out.

But this is MY spot. This is where I am able to get alone but I don’t feel alone. The fresh air, birds chirping, and sounds of the littles down the way playing is perfect harmony to my ears. Sometimes I just sit, sometimes I write, but most times I’m reading. Lately, this is my meeting room with God.

I want to be a morning person so badly. I hear it’s how people get the most done. I try and try, but after a few days – I’m just so tired that I have trouble staying focused. Last night we picked up the table and chairs, that are pictured, from a friend and placed in my space. I sat outside last night and read from the Word and wrote a little and prayed Thanksgiving for all the blessings God has given to us.

This morning I wrote my tribe of ladies that I have found my spot. This morning, even though I did not go and sit outside – I’ve just finished telling y’all that I’m not a morning person, so know that I was running out the door to get to work on time – I was able to smile real big, and this is why…

This is the spot – this is my meeting room with Jesus. You see, we still work together all day long, but this right here is our spot and I know it is (He is) with me wherever I go and is waiting for our meeting time with just as much excitement as I am. Do you have a spot?

Do you ever get the “blahs”? Like nothing comes to you…you are waiting and maybe even digging in different places for inspiration.

I had this happen…actually, it’s been happening the last few weeks. (oddly around the birth of this very blog) I took the plunge and started this blog because I wanted to share my story – a story of redemption, a transparent person, a momma, a grandma, a sister, a wife, a friend, a wanna be cook, and a Christian – not written in order of perference or priority.

My mind seems stuck. Maybe I’m thinking too hard about what the reader will want to read. Maybe it’s time to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what others think – it’s what I know – and yet fear still steers on occassion.

The preacher asked of us this weekend, Where do i need to trust God more? I truly believe I need to trust God more with ALL of ME!! As stated above, I still “worry” about what others think of me. If I talk too much about my faith, then I will be unrelateable….If I don’t talk enough about my faith, then I’m not authentic…If I don’t talk about my past, then I’m not transparent…If I talk too much about my past, I become the product of gossip and judgment – and the vicious cycle continues.

Do you know or recall that satan is first found in the Bible attacking Eve’s mind? Read in Genesis 3. The serpent asked Eve a question and she answers back with her version of what God had restricted – to not even touch the tree – and the serpent just rides piggy back on her incorrect assumption. The serpent is so dramatic. – but just wait, Adam and Eve are coming with the drama big time – introduction of the first victim drama act, the blame game – no one is taking responsibility for the actions they were so sure of just moments before. Isn’t that just like us. To make excuses for why we act the way we do – or perhaps excuses for inaction. There are consequences immediately that we are still feeling today. enmity between me and the snake – for sure, pains in childbirth – check mark times two, we planted our garden this weekend (one task that actually brings joy to us now) but the work we do at our jobs to be able to eat is the toil we have now. One day we will return to the dust. Thank God there is hope in that as well.

Our mind is a powerful thing. Set out on it’s own to wander, can be disasterous. But setting our minds on Christ and things above (eternity) – well that’s where clarity happens. So today, if I can encourage you in one thought in the midst of my rambling, trust God. Get into His Word and let His Word get into you. Just like me today, not knowing what to write – once you start you will wonder what the big deal was to getting started. James is a great book to begin with!! What are you waiting for? GO!

2 Corinthians 4:7 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourseleves”

This verse reminds me of a statement some of my girlfriends often use after stating a difficult season or moment in life – you will hear “but God”. A lot of times that is the end. But God – silence.

Today, I want to go further into my “but God” statement.

Life is not easy – there can be so many requirements, so many expectations. We are individuals, with individual goals, individual strengths and weakness, and yet all strive to be liked, loved, popular, and just well in all areas of human success. That is enough to drive anxiety, depression, fear, and discouragment to burnout city. There is a solution to the madness – In pursuit of Christ all of it makes sense. There is joy. There is hope. There is peace. Is it really so simple as pursuing Christ?

My quick answer is YES. My life proves it. Almost a decade ago, I was lying in a hospital bed where the doctors would not release me because they could not find what was wrong with me. After almost 48 hours, they had to release me and instructed me to follow up with my doctor. Months and months with blood work and no answers. Each time the blood work pointing to a different possibility. Hindsight now, I’m pretty sure the paragraph above describes the reason for my episodes of not being able to stand without fainting, inefficiencies in my blood work, and the mysterious rash that would come and go so quickly it was difficult to document. It was definetly stress related. By the way, no medical issues at all today. But God.

I knew something had to give or I would not be around much longer. My life was actually killing me. I sat in denial for a very long time. And there were only my family (the ones I grew with, not my married family) and just a couple of true friends that kept me from being a danger to myself. I’m forevery grateful for them and sit here in tears as I type this up today. But God…I believe those individuals were in my life for that very reason, for that season.

I started to lean back to God. I never felt alone from Him, just felt distant. I started to trust more and more each day. He was always faithful to me. It’s amazing what this season was for me. It’s really not as easy as I thought it would be to write about it. It really does not give the Holy Spirit the justice of what strength was given to me during this time.

I’m not sure anyone can relate to what I am writing today, as I am just typing and it feels a bit like rambling. All I know, moment by moment I started trusting God more (those moments are still growing the trust for Him to this moment right now) God can handle all of our needs. He knows us. He sees us. He hears us.

Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

Keep leaning in. Keep trusting. We have this treasure within us doing a mighty work. Be complete in Him. It truly is the only way.

January 19, 2019 – Sitting here tonight and I want to plan out how the next days will go. Had a slight panick attach today and I know for sure there is still some deep mess going on that has control over me. I have the deisire to give it all to God, but I guess I don’t have the power to do it. That seems really silly to say when I know I can do ALL THINGS through Christ whom my strength comes from.

“I have the desire to give it all to God, but…”

2022 – I was trying to find a note I had written a while ago, that was on my mind hard the last few days. In large letters, at the top of a page – in one of my journals that I cannot find – I AM THE MANAGER is written. – maybe I will find it when I’m supposed to and I will write something else later.

As I was searching and I stopped on the Jan 19, 2019 journal post and it struck some inspiration into this same subject – but a slightly different twist. I am old enough to understand when this happens, I pay better attention.

As a profession, I am a Manager, but I am not the owner. I do make key decisions, but only because I know what the owner wants me to decide. If I can apply this to my personal life, it translates to me being the manager of my life – but not the owner. I have given my life to the One whom paid a great price for it. How I manage it, well that is up to me. I am a decision maker – what I will wear, what I will eat, how I will manage my finances, what will I consume with my eyes, ears, and mind…

I am the manager, I’m not a victim, not the owner, not a worrier…only the manager. I have been given this one life. I have been given this life by God to do great things for His Name.

If I could write to the person I was in 2019, I would say. Quit making this so hard. It is as simple as a decision.

Soul Print Author Mark Batterson wrote, “I don’t know what difficulties you’ve endured, but they don’t have to define you if you simply let them refine you.”

When I finally…I mean REALLY realized that the purpose of my living is to bring honor to God – to allow Him to prepare me for eterninty – that’s when it ALL started to make perfect sense.

2 Corinithians 3:18 NASB But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Over the last several months there has been a strong tug for me to share my story. I really didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to share. How far I am to go. How real will I get. Afterall, some of you that may be reading this – are complete stangers to me. And some of you – well, you may know me and want to be nosy. These two thoughts have kept my fingers from the keyboard. My fear of someone thinking that I’m playing victim or victor. My shame – even though it’s all covered by Jesus – still raises it’s ugly head and pushes the days through with no action.

A few weeks ago, I opened a journal that I had written in 2014, it still had several blank pages. I was in church and had grabbed something to write notes from the sermon…and this was the notebook. (when you move, several things get unearthed) The ribbon held the place, so I opened right there. This is the paragraph I read. “You are someone else’s miracle, of that I’m sure.” It was another prompting for me. That has been exactly 2 weeks, 2 days, and 8 hours ago.

It is so hard not to share with other what God has done for me. How He has been faithful to me all my days. His faithfulness is more than my mind can hold. His mercy brings me to my knees. His Grace wraps me with Peace. He has done all these things for me and I know He loves you just the same.